Melissa Hiemann
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[00:00:00] Well, hey there, mother lovers. This is Elena Turley, your host, and welcome to the Unboxable podcast, a place for mothers who are seeking holistic health and maybe a new way to look at a few things. Please enjoy this episode.
[00:00:13] Welcome to the Unboxable podcast.
[00:00:15] We just started having a cool conversation. I was like, we better start recording. So Yeah. I'm so pleased to have you here. We were just Talking about dogs disrupting podcasts, and now mine
[00:00:25] is wagging her tail under the desk.
[00:00:28] So, yes, it's fairly standard, You know, and real. And you can probably yeah. I like to show my unfolded washing in the background whenever I can, You know, when I'm recording videos and that sort of thing.
[00:00:41] So where first question always is, who are you, where are you, and what do you love to
[00:00:46] do? Sure.
[00:00:48] So I'm Melissa. I'm in Melbourne, Australia, down near the beach, which is lovely. And I love that I get to do what I love every day, which is teaching and doing healing work. And I also love Just yeah, going down to the beach with the dog and my son and just capturing those beautiful present moments anywhere in nature. Char.
[00:01:16] And I also love shopping. I'm just gonna be honest. That's nice. Yeah. I hear you.
[00:01:22] I hear you, sister. I have to really make sure that I do like secondhand shopping and, You know, like, I've just found a great website called Depop, which is secondhand clothing, but like designer and
[00:01:35] ethical clothing. Oh, I might write that
[00:01:37] down. Pretty stoked about that. I also have a little trick where I will put things in checkouts or pin them on a Pinterest board So that I don't just spend money, especially late at night, on things that I don't need.
[00:01:50] Yes. You still get the little dopamine hit, but you're not actually spending the money or buying something you don't need. Yes. So, like, yeah, I hear you. What do you like to shop late at
[00:01:59] night?
[00:02:00] Yeah. I like to look at clothes and things like that. I I'm not a huge spender. I've I think I have grown up and this is a part of I was heading to before I had a healing this morning and all kind of linked in like because I went to a private school, but I didn't like necessarily have a lot of money. And so I, and all the cool girls had all the surf gear and all the country road and stuff.
[00:02:29] And I was like, oh, to be cool, you've got to, like, have money. And I made this association and yeah and so sometimes I catch myself. I'm like, wait. Am I getting this for me, or am I trying to impress people will like, so do I really want this? Like, how am I going to feel in it?
[00:02:46] And probably like you use like natural fibers, like thinking about it further than Self, how is this going to impact the environment? Am I going to get use out of it? If I was to donate it, would it say high quality? Yeah. Things like that.
[00:03:00] So It's so
[00:03:01] good. Yeah. Yeah. We do evolve. I I similarly grew up in a really affluent area in Sydney.
[00:03:09] Lots of private school kids around me, lots of people with a lot of money, but we weren't particularly like that. So I relate to that sort of associating Money with meaning thing. Yeah. And it's a really interesting area, actually.
[00:03:21] In I have a program, Like a small group program.
[00:03:25] And our guest presenter this month is talking about wealth and wealth mastery. And I'm quite excited because I think I really wanna get another I'm really interested in looking at money differently and understanding it energetically. Oh, the
[00:03:37] energetics So wealth, I love it. Like whenever I have a business coach, she's like, why aren't you teaching this? I'm like, cause I'm not meant to be like, but I do Nearly every day I work on my relationship with money and and I teach a bit of it in my manifesting course.
[00:03:55] But even just things like I was like, okay. I'm going to go into The Louis Vuitton shop, you know, and I'm just gonna have a look around, and I'm, like, in there having a panic attack,
[00:04:07] And I went in there and I'm, like, looking at the prices of things, and I can afford it now, but it's almost like my nervous system hasn't caught up with it.
[00:04:15] And so I So a handbag that I liked, and they're like, it's 10000 dollars. And I'm like, in inside, like, I'm I'm I wanna run the hell out of here. And then she's Like, I can take you out the back to show you more bags. And I'm like, oh, inside. I'm like, no.
[00:04:29] No. I'm not. Get
[00:04:31] me out of here.
[00:04:33] And it was so funny. And I went out, and I'm like, I need to have a watermelon juice and just sit down for 5 minutes.
[00:04:38] It's like, that was so disregulating, which sounds so funny because you think, oh, when I have more money, you know, you have more choices. You go buy it. My my body is just like, you can't do it.
[00:04:48] You're gonna run out of money. You don't have enough, like all of these past conditionings that come up.
[00:04:54]
[00:04:56] Today's episode is brought to you by the Soul Mama program and the LionLife Roadmap. It is a safe space, a virtual space for mothers, and it is specifically created for women to access a nurturing community, providing gentle accountability alongside this proprietary program. It helps you build the change maker lifestyle that you Dream of building while still showing up as the best mum possible. And it encourages you to walk step by step, small choice by small choice towards a purposeful, peaceful, and powerful holistic life. Take a look at the program and what some of the beautiful women inside it are gaining at alena turley dot com, a l e n a t u r l e y.
[00:05:44] Nice 1.
[00:05:46]
[00:05:48] And it's so interesting. I find it so amazing at how much because money affects us every single day, like how all of our decisions you know, how we feed our children and our family and and how how healthcare and And and sometimes we get so ashamed of where we're at that we kind of shut it down and be like, I don't care about money. I'm not doing it for money, but you're constantly thinking about money. And it's like Yeah. It's okay to have money, like but it's it's a journey if you've come from not having money.
[00:06:21] Definitely. Yes.
[00:06:23] Yes. I feel like it's a book I'm always writing, you know? Like, it's it's an evolving story.
[00:06:29] And quite often, I return to previous chapters and then have to remind myself that I'm further along in the book. You know? It's like Yes. I kind of feel like there's times that I just go back to the old story. And Every now and again, I have to remind myself, you're a 52 year old woman.
[00:06:46] You work. You, you know, and it's that weird thing about you got to spend money to make money. Like you've got to actually Give in order to receive. You have to give away stuff without self abandoning, I feel. You have to give away Might it be generous with your money?
[00:07:02] Give to yourself generously. Give to your family generously in order to be able to receive generously as well. It's like you've almost got to do the trust first. You know, like, it's it's build it and they will and it will build it and they will come. It's like The belief has to come first.
[00:07:19] Yes. And and that's a challenge for me sometimes. Like, I'll be like, oh, no. I'll just pay it monthly. I won't pay it in full, even though I've got the money in the bank to pay in full.
[00:07:29] That sort of stuff. I just pay it monthly just in case. You know? It's that sort of thing. And it's this scarcity sort of habits of scarcity.
[00:07:39] Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, so there's like, you know, a lot of nervous system, you know, regulation kind Money blocks, money traumas, financial trauma, you know, like even my mum went through some financial abuse. I've had money stolen from me. Like all of these Things are like unconsciously affecting how we are giving and, as you said, receiving like the receipt. Like, can we even like, if someone offers to buy you lunch, Are you like, no, no, no, no.
[00:08:07] Yeah. You know, there's
[00:08:08] some things. I've gotten heaps better at that, actually. I've got heaps better than I never used to be able to handle that at all. Yes.
[00:08:16] Yeah. And and it's like similar to receiving compliments, you know? Yes. Yes. And that that's without, without self esteem.
[00:08:24] And like you said, you can see in the book how far you've come in every now and then it's like, oh that old chestnut, you know,
[00:08:30] comes up. So Yeah. I know. And I feel like when someone gives you a compliment, I have a rule. Like, never interrupt to compliment because we're sort of trained to go, oh, no, don't be silly.
[00:08:40] Like, that's a beautiful dress. I bought it for 2 dollars you know, at an op shop. No. Just say thank you. Yes.
[00:08:48] It's funny how we sort of downgrade other people's gifts, You know, energetically, like, someone will be offering you a beautiful compliment. You did that so well. Oh, no. It was nothing. You know, there's that instinct.
[00:09:00] And I've
[00:09:01] been on both you know, and I've given a compliment and I was shut down and that didn't feel good. And like you said, I wasn't able to give that gift, but I was really lucky because our Our beautiful nanny that we've had for 2 years to look after my son she is the biggest complimenter cheerleader you'll ever meet in your whole Like it's almost overboard. And when she started with me, I almost couldn't handle it. She's like, oh my God, you're amazing. You look great, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like going on and on.
[00:09:27] And I'm like, oh my God. But over time it's been so healing for me. And I have been complimenting people more. Whereas before I would think something positive, Say with 1 of my friends or something like that. I said, I thought they looked beautiful that day.
[00:09:42] I couldn't ever say it before now. I'm like, I can say it, You know, because like it's just becoming more like, yes, I can say what I'm thinking. It's safe to say that it's, it's a lovely, like, Like you say, gift to give someone and yeah, that's so true. I
[00:10:00] know I have another rule. It's like these are all my, like, internal rules to keep myself kind of on the kindness and sort of positivity.
[00:10:08] Like, it makes me feel good too. Right? So my rule internally is if I think something kind about somebody, I have to say it out loud. That's beautiful. And It's funny.
[00:10:18] I have to remind myself every now and again to do it, but it's amazing. You never know how much a person needs to hear
[00:10:25] that. Yes.
[00:10:26] And I
[00:10:26] think for women. Mhmm. Unfortunately, biologically and, like, without ancestry, you know, women were in Competition, whether we realize it or not.
[00:10:36] And so those, those wounds are still like lurking, even know, we're all about supporting each other now. And like there is no competition and, and all of that. Unfortunately, there is a survival part of us that can sometimes not want to lift other people up and it's not intentional, but just like me and you are doing just those little comments, if we can get ourselves to say them, it is going to change everything. Yeah,
[00:11:02] I agree. Well, you look beautiful
[00:11:04] today, Melissa.
[00:11:05] Oh, thank Q. So do you. You don't you don't look like a day over 30, actually. 52 last week.
[00:11:11] So thank you.
[00:11:13] And if I smile, you might you might See the the beautiful marks of my age that I now actually, I always say my age because I really relish it. I really love the fact that I'm 52. Around 50, I didn't feel total. I started to feel a bit funny about it, but it's come back around. And I think it's really interesting how Maybe now women don't need to feel so invisible or unsexual or all of those things that traditionally we were supposed to do at 50.
[00:11:43] You know? Yeah. Hopefully, we're a bit more free now. Yes. Absolutely.
[00:11:48] So thank you. No worries. Thank you.
[00:11:52] We're just demonstrating. We're modeling.
[00:11:53] Yes. Yes. I love what you just said. It really gives me great Compassion because I do, I'm such a born collaborator and I sometimes have to hold myself back from giving because I'm, I'm a big 1 for giving in particularly in groups, and that can sometimes bite me on the bum because not everybody thinks like that. And sometimes I have to be more sensitive to everyone's personal limits with that and also have compassion if someone doesn't wanna collaborate, You know, because not everybody wants to or is ready to, or has healed enough of that natural ancestral competitiveness, you know?
[00:12:29] Mhmm. Absolutely. And yeah. And I mean, things like compliments. Ryan used to say it's I don't know.
[00:12:36] Ryan and I said it, but we used to say, like, it's like a a muddy pond that you throw a rock into. Yeah. It's like, you know, it it's It brings up all of the insecurities. Sure does. It brings up, like, on and and like you were saying before, like, oh, no.
[00:12:50] No. No. Like, we Sometimes we try and play it down but the more that we accept it and the more that we see it in ourselves and we the more that we reparent ourselves or you know, the The more that we love ourselves and see our value and and be our own cheerleader, the more that it's easier to accept because it's like, of course. Yes. Thank you.
[00:13:09] That's right.
[00:13:10] And also, it's a skill to be able to act to actually know how to take 1. So, like, I got taught by my 1 of my first boyfriends said, If I say something nice to you, you just say thank you. Aw. And, like, you already know it.
[00:13:26] And I was like, that's so interesting. I never knew that that's what you're supposed to do. You know, it's like I had to learn it And and practice it as an art. You know, it's an art form.
[00:13:37] And so you were saying that your son Is starting school.
[00:13:42] There's an interesting element there when you start in a new community as well, that you're also becoming part of a new community, which is The parents at the school and the teachers at the school and, you know, the other families.
[00:13:55] Yes. I mean, the whole Well, firstly, trying to get him into the school that we wanted to get him into because it was either that or homeschooling just because of our we're just so, like We didn't want him to go into mainstream school. We wanted, you know, them to be because we sent him to forest school and bushkindly wanted to be Nature based and, and things like that. Yeah.
[00:14:18] So, I mean, yeah. So we hustled our way into the school and we got in and I'm thinking I'm gonna be the best school mom. I'm gonna be involved in everything, blah blah blah. But then when it actually came to, oh, he got in, and I'll come and Do the info thing and Yeah. Oh, come and have a night with us or well, you're welcome to come for lunch on a Sunday.
[00:14:39] My body is just was freaking out because it was like Really? Yeah. Because my experience at school was not great. And so it's been triggering the hell out of me because, I just had a terrible time at primary school whether I I I was either getting in trouble or I was a loner for most of the 6 years, and I was getting bullied as well. And so I have not a great relationship Foundation relationship with authority, teachers Yep.
[00:15:09] Parents, I think it kind of feels like you're at school again with other people that you haven't chosen. I'm laughing because
[00:15:16] I hundred percent relate. And doesn't it take you by surprise? Because you don't think that's gonna necessarily come up because you're there as a parent, but it does.
[00:15:27] Yes.
[00:15:28] And even I noticed on the first day, like, I was in an absolute mess having, like, I was, like, It's terrible just because my first day, my mom dropped me off and be like, you know, where are you going? And I'm like, yeah. And then I got lost. And I'm, like, imagining, like, all the worst case scenarios. So I'm getting all these flashbacks while he my little child is going to school, and I just panicked.
[00:15:52] And I'm calling Ryan, and I'm like, how did he go drop off? And, obviously, they do it all different now. They're much more mindful. You take them to the class and blah blah blah. But, yeah, it's been so triggering, so interesting, and such a huge life change for us because he's normally in the house around the house.
[00:16:09] And yeah, it's been I've actually that's why I had a healing session this morning. I was saying when we jumped on, I had a embodied processing slash root cause therapy session with a practitioner because I'm like, actually, I need some support here. I'm not doing well, and I don't want to project. I want to be unconscious, but I don't wanna be overprotective and project all of my trauma that he's gonna have that experience. And I don't want him to feel my dysregulation.
[00:16:38] Yeah. And that to cloud his experience or make him anxious when he has actually been very excited and he's been fine. So
[00:16:45] you're right there.
[00:16:46] You're breaking a cycle of intergenerational trauma. That's what that's called, right, in big words?
[00:16:51] And that's amazing. And it takes actually a lot of courage to even see it, let alone Take the action of healing it, you know. And it's beautiful that you have access to that modality, and you can just go, right, I need that now. I think What's fascinating about what you're saying is is that they relate to so much of it. And I I I think there's often This absolute kind of I don't know, blinkers around this kind of stuff.
[00:17:18] I remember on my youngest's first day at school, We came in and everyone we encountered, mostly teachers at the school or other parents, Would look at him and say, are you happy? Are you good? And every single 1 said the same thing. Are you happy? Are you good?
[00:17:36] Are you happy? Are you good? By the end of it, I was incensed. I was like, no. He's bloody nervous because he's a slightly deeply feeling child and it's his first day of school.
[00:17:46] Why are you imposing this, like, you must look happy, you must look good thing? You know, like Yeah. Where's the space For him to actually just have a feeling that's perfectly natural Yeah. To this experience. Like, you could see visibly that he was feeling a bit timid and overwhelmed.
[00:18:03] And it's really interesting that often, you know, mainstream culture will respond to that with an expectation of positivity. And sometimes that can be, though it's coming from a place of absolute love, it can be really challenging for someone who's having any feeling other than happiness. Yes. You know? And it's really fascinating that you are able to Take that knowledge that you have because you've done work, because you work in this field of healing.
[00:18:35] And you can see immediately that you're not feeling happy. You're feeling some other stuff and then know what to do
[00:18:42] about it. That's right. And, well, yeah, we're So lucky, but also and and exactly what you're saying is exactly what I had to work on. Because yesterday morning, he said something to me.
[00:18:56] He kind of mumbled something. No. In the afternoon, I think it was. And I was like, what? And he found it hard to tell me.
[00:19:03] And and eventually, he told me, oh, it just felt like a a really long day. And I immediately went into like, oh my god. He's feeling like It's not going well, blah blah blah. Even though Ryan said he's gonna have a bad day. Like, I've been so protective because I'm just, like, So worried that he's gonna have an emotional experience and not have someone there to help him through it, or they're not gonna let him feel it, or they'll say don't cry or whatever that I went into, like, stress, and I was like, oh, and I couldn't actually be there for him or accept that he was feeling like that, and I just started to panic.
[00:19:39] And rather than, like, it's okay. You can have any feelings. So I was doing the thing that I was worried about. And so when I had that healing today, it was literally like holding space of the part of me That was anxious because of what I went through. And as I got to witness that and just be with it without trying to change it or fix it Yeah.
[00:20:00] It was like Light bulbs went off like, oh my god. I I haven't been a reg and it's and it's fine. I haven't been a regulated space to him. I haven't been a safe space for him. Like, that's why he couldn't actually tell me.
[00:20:12] Cause he knew I'd freak out. Cause he knows that I've been panicking. Like, who've been quite open and verbal out in the house. Not that I'm like, oh my god. I'm panicking, but, like, it's like You're honest.
[00:20:22] Freaking out. Like a mommy's a bit worried, like, Blah blah blah. And so he's trying to calm me down, and I'm like, poor little thing. And and, yes, I'm so excited now to to hold space for that little me so that now when he says he's feeling a little bit off, I can be like, oh, that's normal, sweetie, and that's okay. And I can accept it without trying to fix it or get panicky and make it worse, make him feel like he can't, like, talk to me about it.
[00:20:49] So yeah, it was an incredible moment and and and session and perfect. Because the reality is in life, We're not gonna have perfect days and perfect moments. Of course not. And we can't, like, just wrap our kids in a cotton ball because Then they're not gonna have any resilience. We've gotta be there when they want to talk about it and they wanna express it Yeah.
[00:21:13] Helping them that it's okay to feel that and actually help them move through that. And that's how they're gonna become resourceful adults. Yeah. There's a
[00:21:21] beautiful modality called Aware Parenting. Do you know about that?
[00:21:25] It's just so, so similar in that it's based on A whole lot of compassion, you know, and actually 1 of the podcasts that interviews 1 of the key practitioners of Aware Parenting is number 1 in Australia at the moment. And that gives me so much heart. Yes. There's that many people and that are interested in applying this more compassionate approach to life in general. It's amazing.
[00:21:48] And compassion's been coming up a lot for me. In fact, started writing a book about it because I'm so I think it's so key. The self compassion, first of all. Yes. And then and then the and that's the first The first chapter that I've just started was I told a story about self compassion and, and I feel like it's something that we often just assume is happening, but it so often isn't.
[00:22:09] And like anything, we have to learn it and we have to master it in order to be able to be connective and compassionate with each other. You know? Yes, definitely. It starts with us.
[00:22:20] But if we're in panic or dysregulation, or as you were talking about Being triggered by various things in the past, having certain things come up in the body, having a stress response, quite natural stress response to unhealed traumas or Unresolved experiences in the body, then, of course, we can't be self compassionate.
[00:22:38] You know, we have to go into the root causes as you have today And and look at what we're carrying. Mhmm. And heal it as we go. Yeah. But even that takes a lot of self compassion.
[00:22:51] Like even that ability to go, okay. I need some help with this, you know?
[00:22:55] Yes, absolutely.
[00:22:56] And I think, I mean, I teach a little bit of IFS in the self healing protocols course. And, What's that IFS?
[00:23:04] IFS is internal family systems. Mhmm. And it's just looking at there's all different parts inside of us. Yeah.
[00:23:12] And actually, we can we can kind of bring it back to when we're talking about money.
[00:23:19] I was doing some this morning in a class where, you know, there's, like, 1 part of us that really wants to reach a certain goal financially or purchase a house or have a certain amount of money or make a certain amount of money. And so We're like, yes, I want this. I'm gonna go for it, but there might be 11 other parts of us that are like, this is not safe. This is not uncomfortable. What might happen?
[00:23:44] Yeah. And there's all these opposing parts. So we go to do something that would be in alignment with getting Reaching that goal, and all of a sudden, we've got 5 voices coming in Yeah. And being like, no. No.
[00:23:58] It's like and talks you out of it. That'd be
[00:24:00] so interesting. Have you read a book called The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks? Yes. There's some really cool stuff in that book about similar sort of thing that we have this ceiling and that when we reach our ceiling in terms of what we really believe we're capable or of receiving or what we're capable of experiencing, then we take ourselves out.
[00:24:20] We kind of self sabotage Yeah. To keep ourselves safe, to keep ourselves in our comfort zones. Yep. And Exactly. I really relate.
[00:24:26] We've recently bought a home, and it's been a really big deal. And I was astounded, to move in and then kind of fall apart emotionally. Yep.
[00:24:37] Also got a black belt about a year and a half ago, and similar thing, I was I spent a lot of my life dreaming of getting this black belt, and then I got it the year I turned 50, and it was really big deal, and then afterwards fell apart. And I just think that's really interesting that sometimes We can do something, and then the rest of us has to catch up.
[00:24:58] Yes. Absolutely. And that's a part of, You know, Tommy going to school now, all of a sudden, we have all this free time, and I'm just falling apart. Like Yes. I'm just like so You you go for this goal and we got more of the do who mean going for a goal than actually achieving the goal.
[00:25:15] So Absolutely. Having that goal in And it's driving us. We're excited. We're like holding onto the vision. We get it.
[00:25:21] We think we're gonna feel a different way, but our essence is the same anyway. And so, yeah, either we have a breakdown, some people sabotage it altogether and say we can't hold on to what they've manifested. And it's just and And it's just like, oh, you've created so much stress to get it, then your nervous system needs to recuperate. Like, oh, I've achieved it. I can rest now.
[00:25:43] Yeah. It's just so interesting. But as humans, like, we will continue to have goals. And I think we need to own that as well.
[00:25:52] Like, it's okay to have goals.
[00:25:54] Mhmm. It's okay to want things, you know, especially for women. It's okay to want Big money. It's okay to Desire. Yeah.
[00:26:02] Yeah. Exactly. Like, we're told to be quiet, stay small, you know, don't don't ruffle any feathers, especially in Australia, that tall poppy syndrome. Yeah. It's huge.
[00:26:12] Yeah. So a lot of us will stay small and not Achieve what we wanna achieve or fulfill what we could fulfill in terms of, like, how we could impact the world because we don't wanna make auntie Sue uncomfortable or we don't So when our friends said do so, and our people think. Yeah. And and and a lot of and sometimes well, a lot of time, it's just assumptions. Yeah.
[00:26:34] And and we just, like, we're just taught you gotta be nice and don't make people uncomfortable, but then in the end, you're the 1 who's going to suffer if you Can have you still, like, hold on to that? And and what I've witnessed is, yes, sometimes people, like, Leave your life and aren't aligned with it or they get too triggered from it. And that's okay because you have freedom to do that with people as well. Yeah. And and more aligned people come in.
[00:27:00] You know?
[00:27:01] Yeah. I've certainly experienced that as well. Yes. I I love what you were saying about it's okay to have another goal, you know, and certainly relate to You get a goal and everything falls apart.
[00:27:13] I read something recently, and and your nervous system needing regulation following the striving. You know, that Driving hustle energy is really taxing on your energy system. So I recently read some post somewhere that was like, How you feel now is how you will feel then. So it's like you have this idea that when I get my black belt, I'm gonna feel like blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah.
[00:27:37] No. You're gonna feel exactly the same. And that
[00:27:40] With a black belt, though. Doesn't but with a black belt. Internally, you're the same person.
[00:27:45] That's right. But I've got a black
[00:27:46] But still feel like whatever I feel. And it's so true. And Yeah.
[00:27:50] I think it's really important in terms of understanding that if You are going for some big goal.
[00:27:57] It's not like anything outside of you will change the way that you feel really fundamentally long term. Yeah. The only thing that changes the way you feel is the work that you do inside. Mhmm. You know, the inner work.
[00:28:10] And, yes, we get help from the outside, and, yes, we might interface with things externally in order to facilitate those internal changes or that kind of Self mastery in order to go do the big thing you wanna do in the world or in order to go achieve the next goal. You know, you might need to do that. But it's almost like a system of locks being unlocked. You know? There's only 1 way through that, and that's you hanging out with you.
[00:28:36] You know? Yep. That's the most important relationship. Yeah. And it's so easy in the world that we're in to get very Shiny object syndrome and very caught up in all the distractions and all the external and the the Louis Vuittons and the, you know but like you say, you walk into to the store, you can't buy the handbag because it's too confronting.
[00:28:56] You know? Yeah. It was like my my old identity is like, hell no. You can't afford that. And my bank account's like, you can afford that.
[00:29:04] And I'm like, no. No. No. But it's so yeah. It's like yeah.
[00:29:08] It's it's absolutely so perfect that you bring that up because it is really like, How do I explain it? It's like, for example, Sometimes we create goals because we think that or we feel that if we achieve the goal, it'll stop us from feeling The deficits that we're feeling like it's a egoic goal. So for example, some people go and be really wealthy and successful, but What they're doing is they're just trying to avoid feeling, like, poor, and they're trying to Or like they're not successful. Yeah. Or being un or not good enough.
[00:29:45] And so But once they get to the level of that they thought that would be like, okay. Now I feel successful. Well, that feeling of, like, feeling poor has not gone away. They're just feeling poor, but they've got all this extra money, which is like kind of me. That's what I know about it.
[00:30:02] Oh, so interesting. And there's also this aspect of, like, Are you doing something as a movement toward love, or are you doing something as a movement away from fear? So it's like which direction, you know, and I often I'm wearing a t shirt that says choose love in big gold letters. Right? Because I feel like this is such a fundamental thing that and it's natural.
[00:30:29] You gotta give yourself grace. It's natural to move away from things you're afraid of. But if you can understand when you're doing it and know the direction of your Aspiration, I suppose, or your energy, then that makes a big difference.
[00:30:47] Definitely. And it's exactly that.
[00:30:49] It's like, am I doing this to run away from the tiger, or am I doing this to chase a pure desire, a butterfly which is going to be helpful for myself and the world. And I saw I guess a good way like, a good rule, if we're talking about rules, is, like, If I do this, who who will I become? Because it's 1. Yeah. Because it's not about the angles.
[00:31:12] It's who you become. Do you become a kinder person to yourself and others? Yeah. Does it positively impact it doesn't matter if it's Your 1 child or 10 dogs or your your immediate family or Yeah. Whole suburb or whatever, if the impact is for your soul to choose.
[00:31:32] Yeah. But yeah, does it bring that does it create more love? Does it create, Yeah. Integration and compassion and kind for me, a lot of my journey is like, I ask myself Quite often, how can I be kinder to myself and others? And the kinder to myself was really important because I was and we kind of touched on this, but always giving to others out of fear, you know, from my childhood attachment style.
[00:32:00] It's like I've gotta give to others, and then I always forgot about self. And so my new rule is and even though this might be a bit narcissistic, but I've had to be I've had to be because It's not so much narcissistic. It's like, it's okay for me to look after myself. Like, if I was my own daughter, I would give her organic food, and I would by her, like, quality things. And I and I would speak to her in this way, and I would tell her to have that hard conversation, You know to keep this friendship going because that person means a lot to me.
[00:32:34] And when someone's upset with me, I, You know, I get to in a place where I can be compassionate and not fight back. And and and this is a journey for me. And so a part of my reason, After I shifted all, like, I don't wanna be poor, part of my reason to become wealthy or allow myself to receive is because I know that I can be kinder to myself and my family, and in turn, my cut will be full and can overflow to you know, we just donated 10000 dollars to a charity for children. We I I donate all the time. I Help my family, like, things like that.
[00:33:13] You don't have to do those things, by the way. Like but Yeah. It's your choice. It's just yeah. And I've come to a place where, you know, Before when I was in scarcity, I'll be like, oh my god.
[00:33:23] I have to pay that bill. I have to pay that staff member. Whereas now I'm like, thank you so much. I love you here. I've paid you, like, for this so much.
[00:33:31] I love paying them. Yeah. Yeah. So much gratitude. Like, I genuinely love paying them.
[00:33:37] Like, I actually love it, and I can't put enough love hearts in the email. Like, I love them. I love what they do for us. That that's miles away from, like, when I started my business, and I would, like, be fighting with people and, like, be angry at every invoice I had to pay. You know?
[00:33:53] So that journey has been huge For me. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:33:57] I hear.
[00:33:59] I feel like money is energy.
[00:34:01] Right? Energy is money. Money is energy. And The way that we handle it, the way that we feel when we handle it, like with food, the way that we feel when we eat Has a massive impact on what that food does in your body. Yeah.
[00:34:17] There was a man have you heard of Edgar Cayce? No. Oh, Melissa, you're gonna like this story. So Edgar Cayce is a man who lived early, I think in early 19 hundreds to mid 19 hundreds. Right?
[00:34:30] And he was A medical intuitive, 1 of the earliest documented in our kind of knowledge, where he was able to go into a kind of an altered state and give, like, vital signs and diagnose medical conditions of people that were on the other side of the country. But he also wrote books. And in his books, he talks quite passionately about how the emotional state that you're in when you're eating Changes the way the nutrients are absorbed by the body. Mhmm. And I love that because I think for me the dinner table in The family I grew up in was quite a tense place.
[00:35:06] Mhmm. And if I showed feeling on my face, I would be told, what's wrong with you? Or why are you so sensitive? Or, you know, things like that. Right?
[00:35:13] Yeah. I see. And so often, my relationship with food was very mixed. And then jump to 20 years later, I had something happen that was very traumatic, and I became borderline anorexic that year. Mhmm.
[00:35:27] My PTSD response was Completely food linked. And so I've experienced this a few times in my life where the way that you feel When you eat food, mate. Like, I was eating that year that I became anorexic. Wow. Not a lot, but Enough, but I still wasn't able to take in any of the nutrients.
[00:35:49] And I think that's fascinating when we talk about bioavailability and nutrition and, you know, so Not quite sure how I segue to this, but I just feel like it's a really
[00:35:58] powerful thing to inform you. Relevant. It's so relevant. Yeah. It's like, well, our nervous system.
[00:36:04] So depending what state our nervous system in, if we're in fight and flight, it's not in rest and digest. Like, we're literally not going to digest the food. Like so it is, I mean, polyvagal theory and things. I don't know if they're scientifically proven, but they're accepted. Yes.
[00:36:19] As that absolutely I mean, science catches up later, right, with all this energy. Always. Oh, so it's definitely so even for me, like I mean, today, I had what I call an eaty day. I can't stop eating today. Probably Yeah.
[00:36:33] Enough water. I don't know. But I'm like, oh my god. I really feel like I'm having an ET day and I just have those days off, you know, and then tomorrow I might not feel so hungry and I've just created my lifestyle so I don't have to eat at certain times. Yeah.
[00:36:46] But 1 thing I noticed, and and this is not really related to food, but Just even driving. I'm like beef before, I was just driving, like, when I had to drive or just whatever. Yeah. And now I'm like, Driving is actually puts you in fight and flight. Like, I was having a chat to Ryan about it as we were driving.
[00:37:04] I'm like, yeah. If we are in survival say it is dangerous to be on the road, and we have to be hypervigilant. And I'm thinking, well, I should never eat while I'm driving because I'm in a fine state. And that's why people get road rage, whether externally or internally, because we get scared because it's literally a life threatening experience. And I think We take that for granted and we just drive around.
[00:37:24] So I've been much more mindful of even today when I pick my son up from school, I know when I drive a certain way to take him, Even though it's quicker, it's actually more stressful. And I'm like, I'm I'm gonna be kinder to my nervous system today and just drive the longer way where I'm chill, and I love it. And I can see the ocean, and, like, I'd rather be 5 minutes late in in in a regulated kind of So Seeing, Melissa. I think that's right. I think when we underestimate the power of sitting down at meal times, actually, there's research recently into longevity, And that actually 1 of the keystones of a lot of the communities where there's a high incidence of people living over a hundred is they're sitting down at mealtimes Mhmm.
[00:38:06] And they're talking, and they're maybe having a glass of red wine together. There's something about that. You know? And I think We actually know a lot of this stuff just intuitively and just through our experience. There's nothing much better for me than sitting around the table with a group of Cool people and eating beautiful food, partly because you feel nourished on many levels.
[00:38:27] Right?
[00:38:28] Absolutely. It's so it feels like your heart, it's That's soul food. Mhmm. I know when I have yeah.
[00:38:33] I've gone away with my girlfriends or, yeah, have a lunch or something. I'm just, We're all just like, oh my God, my heart is so full, like, not only our stomach. That's right.
[00:38:42] And you digest better and you just feel good. So I think There's so much of our life, not just when we eat, but whether we're driving consciously, whether we're having conversations, where we're consciously showing up with our heart, You know, with our heart space, those kinds of things.
[00:38:59] I feel like that's actually where the biggest shifts can happen in our lives is those incidental Those kind of incidental moments like starting school with your child. You know, you had no idea that was gonna offer you this massive opportunity to look back at your Unhealed stuff around that. Such a key time of your life, primary school. You know?
[00:39:21] Yes.
[00:39:22] Absolutely.
[00:39:23] So, yeah, I I feel like when he first started going to school last week, My my coping mechanism is working. Yeah. And so I was, like, working the whole, like, 6 hours. I was like, nope.
[00:39:36] I've got to, like, make the most of it. And I'm trying to avoid. I was, it was like I was a part of me was disassociating to stop myself from feeling how I was feeling. I was trying to distract myself, I guess. Yeah.
[00:39:48] And yeah, a part of me being there for him when he has emotions is me going, Okay. I feel anxious, and that's okay. And and it's normal, and speaking to people like you and other moms has actually been so helpful, Where I'm just like, you know, have you had this experience? Or, you know, just sharing how I feel and you guys saying it's totally normal. I'm like, okay.
[00:40:10] And and just being in my body. So today I really consciously, I was like, I'm gonna do some semitic exercises. I'm gonna sit down and watch some big bang theory. And I don't too. I
[00:40:20] watch TV today as
[00:40:21] well.
[00:40:22] Yeah. And and I'm like, okay. I don't, I don't have to do guilty But work and try and get out of my head all day and disassociate, which is actually a really helpful coho mechanism that I had growing up, Being in a stressful environment. And so, yeah, it was really nice to catch that and to work with that today as well. Oh, it's
[00:40:43] beautiful.
[00:40:44] Melissa, we've been talking for ages probably. Oh, yeah. Oh, we have.
[00:40:48] So often, I have these beautiful, amazing conversations with My incredible guests on this podcast, I must say I'm very fortunate, and I'm very grateful for your time today, especially in this pivotal week that you're Having. Maybe it was good timing Yeah.
[00:41:03] To have a bit of a chat about it. And I always like to say when we have these vibey conversations, this must be at least just part 1. And there might be some more parts to this conversation later on. So Definitely. Absolute pleasure to connect with you, Melissa.
[00:41:17] How can people find you if they wanna Get in touch with you or say good on you for getting through this week or whatever it is they might wanna share with you.
[00:41:26] That's lovely. Yeah. So if you wanna Follow me. Personally, my Instagram handle is life changer trainer.
[00:41:35] So I don't know if you need to put that in the show notes at I will. Yes. And then yeah. And then if you want to so we offer certifications in healing trauma, And we do have a page with just free courses if you wanna check the vibe and see if any of our courses resonate. We have, like, Of course, understanding trauma or a free certificate to become trauma informed, and then, of course, the deeper certifications if you wanna become practitioner.
[00:42:02] But if you just go to the center for healing dot com forward slash free dash courses you can just See if we resonate or what our teachings resonate. And and then if you end up joining the community, I'd love to welcome you in, but that's usually where people start. And Yeah. Thank you so much for having me on. Absolutely.
[00:42:24] It's been my honor. Thanks, Melissa.
[00:42:26] It's so lovely to connect with you personally, and I love the work that you're doing in the world. I am studying with you at the moment, and it's really, really amazing. So Definitely go check Melissa out, people, and thanks again, Melissa.
[00:42:38] I will see you soon.
[00:42:39] This podcast is produced independently and made just for you. So if you have enjoyed it, please do leave me a review and you can put in the review a request for a topic or even a nomination for a particular guest if you would like me to interview someone in particular, thank you so much for your support. If you really love it, uh, you can also share it and subscribe to it and follow it. See you soon.
[00:43:10]
